I guess we all have those moments where we look up at the heavens and scream something along the lines of... "What gives?!!" I've had insomnia since I was 10. It's a nightmare for a little girl and for an adult it's no picnic either.It affects my ability to function during the day and makes waking up in the morning very painful and almost impossible. Sometimes I take a pill so that I can fall asleep all the way before midnight. I build up an immunity to medication though, so most nights I just have to tough it out and hope that I can fall asleep on my own. It's normal for me to be awake until at least 1:00 or 2:00. Just once I would like to be asleep before 11:00 or even before midnight without a pill. I wonder what it would feel like. Chronic Insomnia is frustrating and lonely and sometimes it makes me incredibly angry. Last night was one of those normal frustrating nights where I couldn't sleep and I felt totally abandoned. So, while only half awake yet unable to fall completely asleep, I asked God "Why? Why won't you let me sleep?!" He didn't answer or maybe I was just too mad to hear him. I don't count on getting the answer I want anytime soon. But this morning I got my daily gem via e-mail and I guess I got the answer I needed whether I like it or not. Today's quote was from Henry B. Eyring.
“Even when you feel the truth of [the] capacity and kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure. The Prophet Joseph Smith cried out in agony in a dungeon: “ ‘O God, where are thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?’(D&C 121:1–2). . . .“The Lord’s reply has helped me and can encourage us all in times of darkness. Here it is: ‘My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes’ (D&C 121:7–8).”
I don't feel like enduring. I feel like getting what I want...which at the moment is a healthy sleep pattern. But I wouldn't take a cake out of the oven after 15 minutes when the directions say to leave it in for 25. The cake would be ruined. So, why would God take this trial away before the time is right? It could ruin me. Right? Maybe this is a trial that will pass someday once I learn what I need to learn or maybe it's a trial that will always be there. I have no way of knowing how long it will last. So far it's lasted 20 years. I must learn to endure this small moment well, with patience and humility even when the small moment seems to last forever and then someday I'll look into the eyes of a loving Heavenly Father and wonder how I ever doubted him.
I wonder if I should be posting such a personal thing on a public blog but this is real. It's life and sometimes life is just plain hard. And in a way I'm really glad it's not always easy...not that I want anymore trials. But....without trials I don't think most of us would learn a thing.